just one of those days

so i think that the roughest times are when we can't feel God's presence or hear His voice. these times shape us the most. showing us that our faith and love for Christ aren't based only on what we feel or emotions that we have. here, we get to the real meat of why we love Christ. and though i'm not entirely sure what it is, there is obviously something more. and i think it stems from what God has done for us and our remembrance of the fact that He always loves us, no matter what. hopefully this time will make us more desperate for Him, but instead too often we get caught up in other things instead of being self disciplined and continuing to obey, showing our love for Christ is not based on what we feel. if we will just shove away all those things that don't satisfy us, and continue to pursue Christ we will be obedient. and i think that God also does this to teach us to seek Him more. on another level perhaps. i just wish that i could really learn something from those times instead of just running away from everything and only half-heartedly seeking Him. to often we think that we only have to do what we desire not what we know we should. and i'm guilty of that for sure.

i think the one thing i want to do now is to know who God is. to seek Him and nothing else. cause i think that everything else will come after that. i don't want to seek how to be good or moral. i just want to know Jesus. and i pray that He will help me know Him and that He will reveal Himself to me. i really like CS Lewis's quote from Mere Christianity.

"I think all Christians would agree with me if I said that though Christianity seems at the first to be all about morality, all about duties and rules and guilt and virtue, yet it leads you on, out of all that, into something beyond. One has a glimpse of a country where they do not talk of those things, except perhaps as a joke. Everyone there is filled full with what we would call goodness as a mirror is filled with light. But they do not call it goodness. They do not call it anything. They are not thinking of it. They are too busy looking at the source from which it comes. But this is near the stage where the road passes over the rim of our world."

so thats a little of me today. really glad renucci and tres are back. good to hangout with those men again. they encourage me a lot. thanks fellas. good to have friends like that. i hope that i am the kind of friend who uplifts and encourages his friends. so mark if the fat kid thing is out, i'll stop. and big shoutout to g5 for being a totally cool upstream group. love yall. and i'll leave with the lyrics from demon hunter's Through the Black

"I've never been the type to turn my back and run.
It's just never appealed to me to be the same as everyone.
And when it comes to shove and I can't see you through the black,
I'm going to scream your name till you come back.
And every time I play with fire, I'm going to Burn, Burn, Burn until I learn.
And everytime I do it myself, I'm going to hate, hate, hate.
It's time to get it straight.

Chorus:
I bury sick side, I tear from the inside out,
I follow the downside, I'm waiting for something else.
I know that you'll be here and I'll be waiting.
I know that you'll be near and I'll be waiting.

I turn it back and question everything in sight.
It's like I try to fall again when everything is going right.
And everything that matters isn't everything in sight.
It's taking every bit of me to keep this all inside.
I've never been the type to turn my back and run.
It's just never appealed to me to be the same as everyone.
And when it comes to shove, and I can't see you through the black,
I'm going to scream your name till you come back.

Chorus:
I bury sick side, I tear from the inside out,
I follow the downside, I'm waiting for something else.
I know that you'll be here and I'll be waiting.
I know that youll be near and I'll be waiting.

Bridge:
Lost my mind and I've lost track,
gonna scream your name till you come back.
Scream your name, lost my mind

I know that you'll be here and I'll be waiting.
I know that you'll be near and I'll be waiting.(lost my mind), I'll be waiting.
I'll scream your name til you come back.